genevieve is…

I am here. In Columbus. Alone. I don’t know hardly anyone and I think the people I do know, who I mostly met through trying to find a roommate, wouldn’t be super excited if I called. So far that’s what scares me. That, and the idea that someone will figure out how to get in my second-story windows while I’m sleeping. This is a strange fear, borne out of seemingly nowhere, not one I’ve ever had before. The neighborhood I live in, somewhere on the dividing line between the short north and victorian village seems safe, and I’ve lived in large cities before (Berkeley, Oakland). I just imagine waking up to the sound of a ladder against my building and someone attempting to sneak in my window.

Despite this strange fear which has made falling asleep a bit difficult, I am glad to be here. I am thankful because:

• Lisa and I arrived Tuesday in my car, which did not break down or have any problems
• The drive from Oklahoma wasn’t bad when we split it up into two days (which is about the only way 16 hours can be okay if you’re past the age of 20)
• We found an apartment in exactly one day (Wednesday)
• The apartment is nice, with wood and tile and a walk-in closet, though a little expensive
• My mom and brother Alex arrived Thursday night just fine but tired because the drive from Nebraska took longer than they anticipated
• I got Lisa to the airport Friday morning without any problems and her flights home were fine
• Mom, Alex and I found the ABF place without a problem and they did indeed have my relocube of things
• I remembered my padlock combination
• We opened the relocube and nothing appeared damaged or broken
• We took everything to my apartment in three trips in under three hours
• Nothing was broken and the only damage was some scratches on my poorly packed dining room chairs

Many things to be thankful for. Mom and Alex and I spent from yesterday afternoon to this afternoon putting stuff away and at this point my apartment is looking fairly decent I would have to say!

Right now I am in an in-between place. Well, I guess we’re all in some kind of in-between place, between birth and death, etc. My current, specific in-between place is between one big football school whose colors are red and white and another big football school whose colors are red and white. I graduated in May from the University of Oklahoma with my M.A. and am starting a Ph.D. at Ohio State in a month’s time.

My summer job (working at the writing center at OU) is done today, and what looms before me is an exact month with one responsibility: to move to Ohio by August 27. Admittedly, this should make me very excited. Who wouldn’t want a month off? But it’s what is at the end of this month that is freaking me out. I remember the first classes I took as an M.A. student quite clearly, and it was with great relief that the professors expected much more of entering Ph.D. students than entering M.A. students. Now I’m the entering Ph.D. student! And yes I know so much more now than I did three years ago. My master’s program in composition and rhetoric at Oklahoma has been wonderful. I’ve had many opportunities and made some great friendships that are going to be very hard to leave!

How do I face one month of freedom with so much unknown change on the other side?

Well, I believe I’ve made a decision that will be a major factor in my future. It involves the Buckeyes, of which I will soon be one and so I will no longer (but always in my heart, on top of always being a Cornhusker) be a Sooner. Honestly, I’m not too sorry to leave behind the label Sooner, I’ve always found it to be a bit offensive in a state full of Native Americans whose land was stolen for the land runs. The buckeye, which is in fact a tree fyi, is pretty much as innocuous as it gets, though it may not be as industrious sounding as a cornhusker, which I have been since before I was born (and yes, I was born during football season). One very early memory I have, and a story my mother would be more than happy to relate to you, is that she and my father taught me to chant Go Big Red, Sock ‘em in the Head, Don’t Give em Roses, Give em Bloody Noses!, during football games on TV.

So. I’m going to go to Ohio State for my Ph.D. That’s the first time I’ve written those words, though I’ve said them a few times over the last few days. I’m trying not to be scared to death because I’ve prayed like crazy and I feel so strongly that it’s the right decision to make. More than anything else, it is the people I am going to miss here, which is pretty funny considering I spent four of my five years in Oklahoma making nary a friend. And then came along Lisa who basically has transformed my life and given me the opportunity to have faith and hope in Him, myself, humanity, again. I thank God for putting her in my status quo life and waking me up and the idea of leaving her and everyone I’ve connected to because of her breaks my heart.

Let’s not let September come too quickly, okay?

Somehow I imagine I’ll spend my life trying to figure out a good way to make difficult decisions. I wish I had some kind of framework into which I could input information about a decision and it would output the decision I should make. I have also wished that God would just show up in some kind of phenomenal way: come down on a cloud, take my pin from my hand and write the decision to be made, speak to me in an audible voice, whatever, just make it clear because I’m not very good at this close listening stuff. And yet.
Last night I had two important conversations about the big decisions I’m facing, which I suppose I should tell you about. I’m graduating (I think) with my master’s in May and applied to Ph.D. programs for the fall. I just applied to two places, which might surprise you if I told you otherwise but it’s time to be honest. Ohio State and Oklahoma. Ohio State was always my dream school, ever since I took a women’s studies seminar back in 2002 and Valerie Lee, a faculty member there (and now the chair), came to speak to our class. She spoke about the women’s studies program and the English department and I was pretty convinced that if I was going to go on to grad school Ohio State would be a great place. Back in 2002. So when I applied for master’s programs for fall 2004 I applied there and I wasn’t accepted. And then! The most incredible theorist I’ve ever met in my subdiscipline got a job at Ohio State: Cindy Selfe. Working with her, and at Ohio State…I can’t think of anything better academically. And that brings us to now because I was accepted this time, with funding, to both Ohio State and Oklahoma.
I have ties here. If you’re reading this you’re most likely one of them because I doubt anyone else has found this little blog. That’s probably more the struggle than anything else. So back to the two important conversations. I talked to a colleague last night for a long time; she was jealous. She said, if I could go, I would, so you should. Or something to that effect. And she has a point because what I like to do is better suited to work at Ohio State than OU. And then I talked to a very good friend, such a good friend it seems like I should call her my sister more than my friend, whom I very much don’t want to leave. She has changed my life so much! I feel like I need to go though and I don’t feel like she would leave here, which is okay. If I go I’m not going for permanent so I could come back here.
And so. I think I’ve gotten guidance from Him, but it’s so hard! I don’t know why all decisions have to be so hard.