genevieve is…

Well, I believe I’ve made a decision that will be a major factor in my future. It involves the Buckeyes, of which I will soon be one and so I will no longer (but always in my heart, on top of always being a Cornhusker) be a Sooner. Honestly, I’m not too sorry to leave behind the label Sooner, I’ve always found it to be a bit offensive in a state full of Native Americans whose land was stolen for the land runs. The buckeye, which is in fact a tree fyi, is pretty much as innocuous as it gets, though it may not be as industrious sounding as a cornhusker, which I have been since before I was born (and yes, I was born during football season). One very early memory I have, and a story my mother would be more than happy to relate to you, is that she and my father taught me to chant Go Big Red, Sock ‘em in the Head, Don’t Give em Roses, Give em Bloody Noses!, during football games on TV.

So. I’m going to go to Ohio State for my Ph.D. That’s the first time I’ve written those words, though I’ve said them a few times over the last few days. I’m trying not to be scared to death because I’ve prayed like crazy and I feel so strongly that it’s the right decision to make. More than anything else, it is the people I am going to miss here, which is pretty funny considering I spent four of my five years in Oklahoma making nary a friend. And then came along Lisa who basically has transformed my life and given me the opportunity to have faith and hope in Him, myself, humanity, again. I thank God for putting her in my status quo life and waking me up and the idea of leaving her and everyone I’ve connected to because of her breaks my heart.

Let’s not let September come too quickly, okay?

Somehow I imagine I’ll spend my life trying to figure out a good way to make difficult decisions. I wish I had some kind of framework into which I could input information about a decision and it would output the decision I should make. I have also wished that God would just show up in some kind of phenomenal way: come down on a cloud, take my pin from my hand and write the decision to be made, speak to me in an audible voice, whatever, just make it clear because I’m not very good at this close listening stuff. And yet.
Last night I had two important conversations about the big decisions I’m facing, which I suppose I should tell you about. I’m graduating (I think) with my master’s in May and applied to Ph.D. programs for the fall. I just applied to two places, which might surprise you if I told you otherwise but it’s time to be honest. Ohio State and Oklahoma. Ohio State was always my dream school, ever since I took a women’s studies seminar back in 2002 and Valerie Lee, a faculty member there (and now the chair), came to speak to our class. She spoke about the women’s studies program and the English department and I was pretty convinced that if I was going to go on to grad school Ohio State would be a great place. Back in 2002. So when I applied for master’s programs for fall 2004 I applied there and I wasn’t accepted. And then! The most incredible theorist I’ve ever met in my subdiscipline got a job at Ohio State: Cindy Selfe. Working with her, and at Ohio State…I can’t think of anything better academically. And that brings us to now because I was accepted this time, with funding, to both Ohio State and Oklahoma.
I have ties here. If you’re reading this you’re most likely one of them because I doubt anyone else has found this little blog. That’s probably more the struggle than anything else. So back to the two important conversations. I talked to a colleague last night for a long time; she was jealous. She said, if I could go, I would, so you should. Or something to that effect. And she has a point because what I like to do is better suited to work at Ohio State than OU. And then I talked to a very good friend, such a good friend it seems like I should call her my sister more than my friend, whom I very much don’t want to leave. She has changed my life so much! I feel like I need to go though and I don’t feel like she would leave here, which is okay. If I go I’m not going for permanent so I could come back here.
And so. I think I’ve gotten guidance from Him, but it’s so hard! I don’t know why all decisions have to be so hard.